Gifting Confusion

My husband I were talking about gift giving the other day. We noticed how people mistakenly give things that the gift giver values but not the gift recipient. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, right? Well with the holidays rolling around, try not to give your husband a Venus-y gift or give your wife a Martian gift.


This problem goes beyond the holidays or birthdays or whatever. My husband told me about an article that said men tend to give their wives hard neck massages while wives tend to give their husbands light feathery back scratches. In marriage, we have to learn what our spouse wants. My husband likes hard neck massages. He gives me feather light back rubs. Maybe your relationship is opposite which is why it's important to openly communicate what you like.

Focus on positives. Instead of "I hate when you dig your knuckles into my spine", use "I like when you lightly rub my neck". This goes for the holidays too. When your husband asks what you would like for a present, avoid "I'll tell you what I don't want! I don't want another stinking candle!" (hahaa). Try a useful suggestion.

This ties into John Gottman's golden ratio of 5 positives to every negative. Gottman's research showed that marriages that had this golden ratio were less likely to divorce. Work on that! Work on making sure you give your spouse 5 negatives (or more, of course!) to every one negative. That may mean you'll need to list off 5 compliments if you have a critique.

Enmeshment

"Enmeshment describes a dysfunctional relationship between people in which emotional boundaries are so unclear that people have difficulty functioning or developing independently" (source)

You can be enmeshed in a variety of relationships. You can be enmeshed with family, friends, or your spouse.  It means that you have an unhealthy relationship where you are too close. A big problem is having overly open boundaries. You must keep yourself independent to a certain degree.

Family

You may be enmeshed with a family member if you feel like they play a bigger role in your daily life than what is healthy. This can mean your family member calls you all day long or shows up at your house all the time. They can badger you about things and make unforgiving demands. A good TV show example is Everybody Loves Raymond. Family enmeshment may hurt a marriage if you talk to your family member about private aspects of your marriage that you should keep between you and your spouse or won't even tell your spouse. 

Friends

I think this is the most common form of enmeshment that people don't even consider harmful. TV shows like Sex and the City and Perfect Couples display couples who discuss every detail of their personal relationships with their friends. It's not bad to talk to your friends about your troubles; almost everyone does it. But you have to draw a line or a healthy boundary. You must decide with your spouse what you want to keep sacred and private between you. It may really hurt their feelings if you talk about certain things.

A problem with being too open is that your friends and family will only take your side. They will view your spouse negatively. Do you want that? Do you want your spouse to be undefended and ripped on behind their back? The best situation is to talk to your spouse directly and not involve a third party. However if talking with your spouse isn't realistic, I've repeatedly heard the suggestion to discuss issues with your spouse's family or friends. They will be less biased and most likely more helpful with the problem. 

Spouse

You can be enmeshed with your spouse. It's hard when you are sharing your life with this person and spending so much time with them. Your marriage is hopefully a close relationship but you must find balance. An enmeshed relationship may include:

1. Not being able to tell the difference between one’s own emotions and the emotions of the other spouse

2. Feeling that one is required to rescue the other spouse from his or her own emotions

3. Feeling a need to be rescued from one’s own emotions by his or her spouse

4. Not having any personal emotional time and space from one’s spouse

5. Not having any substantial relationships with anyone other than one’s own spouse.

Make sure you are respecting yourself and your relationship. Know your healthy boundaries and where you draw the line. Understand and respect yourself in relation to those who are close to you. If you feel that you are in an enmeshed relationship, seek more information about it. The internet and literature are good resources to learn more.

Guys need nurturing too...

This article about advice from divorced people had a random and surprising insight.

It says "Men, it seems, also need what social scientists call affective affirmation, or in layman’s terms, a compliment, some encouragement, maybe even just a cuddle showing support.

“Husbands who reported that their wives noticed them and made them feel special were very happy,” says Orbuch. In fact they were so happy, that couple was about two times less likely to get divorced.

Surprisingly, men need this non-sexual show of support more than women. “We (women) get it from a lot of people in our lives like best friends, kids, even a stranger walking down the street who says ‘I like your haircut,’” says Orbuch. “Men generally don’t get that from other people except their wives.”

What us wives need to get from this: our husbands need a little love too. 

If you haven't tried the previous marriage challenges or exercises, I highly recommend them.

Try: 7 ways to knock the socks of your spouse and/or 101 ways to tell your spouse you love them (under the October posts)

10 Divorce Myths

The internet is an amazing thing.

There are soooo many tools and insights into marriage support and relationship information. Whether they're all true, ehh. It's up to us to decide.

I found this article called Debunking 10 Divorce Myths.

1. Second marriages are more successful than first marriages because they have learned from problems. FALSE

 2. Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. FALSE- couples who cohabited before marriage have higher divorce rates.

 3. Divorce may cause problems for children who are affected by it, but these problems are not long lasting and the children recover quickly. FALSE- there are many long lasting problems children experience after divorce.

 4.  Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. FALSE- having a child increases stress in a relationship

 5. Following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by 73 percent while that of the man's improves by 42 percent. FALSE- women are slightly worse off and men are slightly better off but not as dramatically as these figures.

 6. When parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. FALSE- [Children] in lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce (2/3 of divorces) were in much worse situations than before the divorce.

7.   Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes. FALSE- “according to a recent study, is that children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents” They are more likely to divorce.

8.  Following divorce, the children involved are better off in step-families than in single-parent families. FALSE- there are benefits to step-families but there are also stresses.

9. Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. FALSE- In a study, 3/5 of formerly unhappily married couples rated their marriages as either "very happy" or "quite happy" several years later after making the decision to stay married.

10.  It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. FALSE- 2/3 are initiated by women

   What do you think about this?  I think the most surprising is number 2. Cohabitation is very prominent in our culture. Many young people believe in this myth that cohabitation prevents divorce. There are many, many research studies on this topic. If you are interested in this topic, just let me know and I can write up about it!

Divorced people give good advice

I found an interesting article on Today Health. It's titled "Your divorced friends may give the best marriage advice".

They said that people who have experienced a divorce know how things go wrong and have insight into how they would do things differently. We are very interested in this part of our culture as evidenced by the "16 ways I blew my marriage" article that has exploded on the internet.

Today Health sites an research study that shows 46% of their sample ended their first marriage with divorce.

The biggest issue of these failed marriages was finances.

Those who had ambivalent feelings about their ex were the healthiest and most likely to be in a new relationship. Having negative feelings is hurtful but the interesting part is that it is also important to let go of positive feelings. You can feel at peace with a past relationship but it is important that you don't still have romantic feelings for an ex if you are to participate in a new serious relationship.

Though people who have divorced may have good insights, their second marriage has a higher chance of ending in divorce than general first marriages.  The divorce rate for a second marriage is 60%. The divorce rate for a third marriage is 73%! source 

What conclusion do we draw from this? I don't know. The result is many, many conclusions are thrown out there for people to catch or not. Divorce is a big part of our culture and we are fascinated with trying to understand it. I think we can agree that we want good relationships to succeed. The goal is people to understand the behaviors to create and edify a good relationship.

Marriage advice from kids

When you get married, you realize that everyone has marriage advice....even kids.

Massage night

There is a whole scale for this one. On one end of the spectrum- make a whole date night out of doing full body massages. On the other end- take 5-10 minutes before you go to bed to rub your spouse's feet or shoulders.

To get you in the mood...
Wayne Brady's foot massage song

A little tip...

And use lotion. It's nice :)

Physical affection and touch increases levels of a pleasurable chemical in our brains called oxytocin. Oxytocin  is a big part of relationship formation including trust building and bond strengthening. It reduces anxiety and it just feels good!! A little rub down will help strengthen your marriage.

Tell me a story...

Iggy Pop "Tell Me a Story"

When my husband and I were dating, we would say "tell me a story" if our conversation died down. Tonight while I was eating dinner, I realized we haven't done that in a long time. It's so simple and it's fun.

Now my husband is not like most husbands. He has told me many, many stories over time. I've told him a lot of stories too. It's hard to think up a story we haven't told!

Look your spouse in the eyes and say "Honey! Tell me a story". Sit back and enjoy. This is a great opportunity to practice your listening skills.

Here are some tips:
-don't interrupt
-use small words/noises to show you're engaged and listening (it's unnerving when someone sits silently and stares you down, right? ahah)
-ask for more details if you're interested (it's nice to feel that you're interested enough)
-don't judge or correct
-enjoy hearing about the person you love the most

Music Challenge

This music challenge is based on Coldplay's Fix You\



Here are the lyrics:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

The Challenge: for the next week look for an opportunity every day to support your spouse. Every day, your spouse goes into the world and gets teared down. Build them up. You can text them during the day, listen to them discuss their feelings, and/or compliment them.

Best Proposal Ever

This is good stuff.

A woman goes to see a movie and things make a shocking turn. During the trailers, she recognizes her father's voice. Her boyfriend is asking for her hand in marriage and her dad is giving his blessing. She doesn't realize that her family is in the audience of the theater and her soon to be fiance is on his way :)

Check it out! The Greatest Marriage Proposal Ever



I love watching videos on youtube about marriage proposals. It helps me relive the emotions I felt when my husband proposed :)

16 Ways to Ruin A Marriage

This guy is blowing up!! He wrote a list of ways to hurt a marriage. A number of my friends have posted it on facebook. It's written by this guy who experienced two failed marriages and is a single dad.

Try reading it! I think a lot of what he says is pretty intuitive but they're mistakes that a lot of us make, all the time.

Here it is: 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage

Which one is your favorite? My favorite is #10 :) Check it out

Music Challenge

This challenge comes from the song "Beautiful World" by JJ Grey & Mofro



Here are the lyrics:
Bad blood, I could crawl right out my mind
It’s a long day, long day when the sun won’t shine
But it feels like, fussing and fighting is all we do
Lord knows I can’t get enough of you
Bad blood, I could crawl right out of my mind
Ah girl, it’s a new day now we can make it shine

Listen to the birds sing their song
Listen to my heart beating strong
I just want to feel like I do when I’m with you
It’s a beautiful world

The darkness, it ain’t so deep
So I reach and I reach and I reach, Higher
set me free
Ah girl, it’s a new day now we can make it shine

Listen to the birds sing their song
Listen to my heart beating strong
I just want to feel like I do when I’m with you
It’s a beautiful world

Here is the challenge: turn around a conflict.   Maybe something small pops up and it starts an argument. Can you end it peacefully? Does your spouse do something that bothers you? Try to forgive it. 

It's a beautiful world :) 

Think about all your blessings and the good feelings your spouse gives you

7 ways to knock the socks off your spouse

I stumbled on this cute blog that has some great marriage building ideas. One page talked about the 7 ways to knock the socks off your spouse. I'm trying it and I want to extend it to you!

The 7 ways breakdown into themed days. They are:

Sweet Treat Sunday

Massage Monday

Touch Tuesday

Woo Him/Her Wednesday

Thank Him/Her Thursday

Fun Activity Friday

Sweet Nothings Saturday

On Sunday, make a dessert that your spouse loves. You can make whatever (if they're on a diet or have allergies, etc). The act of making the treat is what is special.

On Monday, give each other massages!

On Tuesday, work on incorporating touch into your daily routine. Just randomly reach out anytime anywhere.

On Wednesday, do something romantic. Do something surprising if they like it! 

On Thursday, say "thank you" for every small to big thing you can think of. Like "thank you for taking out the trash" to "thank you for being such an important part of my life".

On Friday, do something fun. It doesn't have to be elaborate or time consuming but it does have to be fun!

On Saturday, compliment your spouse as much as possible. Let the compliments spill out. We all love hearing this from who we love.

Here is the website: Making Life and Crafting Prettiful. It just so happens to be a craft blog. If you like crafting then jump on over!

Marriage Challenge!!

This one comes straight from Aretha!


Aretha Franklin "I Say A Little Prayer For You"

It doesn't matter what religion you belong to, say a little prayer for your spouse. Even if you don't belong to a religion, meditate for your spouse's well-being.

Let's do this everyday for a week. I did it last week and I noticed I just looked at my husband different. I was more invested in wanting him to be happy and succeed at his goals. This is a good challenge. I recommend it!

Annoying Habits

RRrrrrrr. Don't you hate being annoyed? It's SO easy to get annoyed. Some days it just seems like I'm just surrounded by the dumbest people. Then I come home, frustrated with everyone else's negligence, and then I'm totally negligent and do really annoying things. I'm aware of some things that I do but I bet I do even more than I realize.

So I took Dr. Harley's love busters questionnaire. To take it, click on this link, go to the webpage, and download the "love busters questionnaire". marriagebuilders.com

I realized that I'm most hurt by disrespectful judgments. In light of these really negative scenarios, annoyances seemed a lot less important. Andrew had similar results but he was also hurt by angry outbursts.

I'm really glad we took this quiz because I didn't realize what made us tick. I'm going to make it a priority to control my anger as much as possible. I started out thinking that annoyances were so.... well, annoying. But annoyances are apart of everyday life. Annoyances don't typically ruin marriages. I will work on positivity and patience. :)

Love Busters

Love Busters are Dr. Harley's 6 things that can hurt your relationship Here they are:

1. Selfish Demands, "I don't care how you feel -- do it or else!"

2. Disrespectful Judgments, "If you had any sense, and were not so lazy and selfish, you would do it"

3. Angry Outbursts, "I'll see to it that you regret not having done it"

4. Annoying Habits,

5. Independent Behavior

6. Dishonesty

We love our spouses and don't want to hurt them. But in moments of weakness, we find ourselves doing and saying things we regret. It's good to know about these six things so that we may be able to recognize ourselves doing it.

What love busters do you struggle with?

How can you overcome it? 

I think I struggle with annoying habits the most. I'm going to work on that one more.

Marriage Challenge!

This marriage challenge comes from Beyonce and Alicia Keys: Put It in a Love Song.

Beyonce and Alicia (and the rest of humanity) need to hear their significant other proclaim their love. Just saying the words "I love you" may not be enough to show your spouse you love them. Did you take up the "101 ways to say I love you" challenge by trying 5 a day? Whether you did or didn't, try this one.

The challenge is to make a concrete expression of love that transcends just saying some nice words. Here are some ideas:

• write a love song
• write a poem
• buy a gift
• clean the house
• apologize for something important
• take them on that one activity you keep putting off
• etc

Did you do the love language test or already know it? Make SURE you fulfill this challenge by speaking in their love language. Maybe you like writing poems but they don't like hearing them, then don't do it. Maybe you've been wanting to go bowling and you haven't because they hate bowling, don't do it. Is their love language service? Then do service! You see what I mean :)

The Three States of Marriage

I found a helpful website about building marriages by a Dr. Harley (marriagebuilders.com).

I looked around and found that he had a specific area about the first year of marriage. He addresses problems people experience in their first year, BUT if the couple continues past the first year, these problems can plague a marriage at any point in the future. This is not just for newlyweds but for any stage of marriage that experiences conflict.

The first principle I will talk about from his website (cause there's a lot of good stuff) is the Three States of Marriage. Here they are:

1. Intimacy

2. Conflict

3. Withdrawal

Before I describe them I should summarize his theory of the "giver" and "taker". The giver inside of us wants to love and sacrifice everything for our spouse. The taker is only self-interested and wants to maximize our gains.

1. Intimacy. In this state the giver is dominate. You are willing to sacrifice things so that your spouse receives gain. Both spouses want to avoid hurting each other and it creates a trusting environment. Have you received this? Do you recall a time when your husband/wife was in a cute and nice mood and you feel like you could weasel something out of them? (That doesn't sound great, but hey! we're all guilty haha) 

IF one spouse asks another for something that goes beyond the capacity of the giver, the taker may kick in. IF reparations are made early on, a couple may stay in a state of intimacy. 

IF apologizes or reparations are not made, a couple may enter a state of conflict.

2. Conflict. The taker is dominate and unyielding. You want to make yourself happy and you don't care much about your spouse. I found some interesting quotes about this. 

First "In the state of Conflict, couples are still emotionally bonded and that makes the pain of thoughtlessness even worse". I think we need to be careful with our spouses. We love each other more than anyone else and therefor have the power to hurt them more than anyone else. I've heard the expression to "hold your spouse's heart like an egg in our hands". Be careful with it because they've given you a great gift.

Second "But it's very difficult to be thoughtful in the state of Conflict, because your Taker urges you to return pain whenever you receive it". I've experienced this the most during.... rivalry football games. I'm so ashamed!! But alas! When their team tackles our quarterback, they stand up and cheer and it pisses me off!! I want to get them back, to make them feel the same amount of pain. So when we tackle theirs, I stand up and exaggeratedly cheer. Ya, it stinks to lose some yards, but is the cheering warranted? It's not like you've made a touchdown, people. In marriage we experience the same thing. Our spouse hurts us. We have the chance to repair the situation but we won't. We want them to hurt to. And we do hurt them. And it hurts the marriage.

3. Withdrawal. If you make it through the conflict state without repairing, you're going to get tired of fighting and fall into withdrawal. That is a dangerous place. You give up fighting because your marriage is not worth fighting for and you experience an "emotional divorce". 

Returning to intimacy- You can stop anywhere on this path by resisting the taker and making sacrifices for your spouse. It sounds so easy but we all know it is not.

Dr. Harely proposes a resolution to prevent conflict and withdrawal in the first place: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

My first response was...eehhhh. My husband and I are so tepid with our plans for things that we don't usually feel "enthusiastic" about anything. I guess our lines are where the other person flat out disagrees to things. I flat out refuse to play sports and he won't be happy to get a pedicure. So we don't push them. Last weekend, we focused on doing mutual activities and mutual decisions. Now you try it!

Marriage Challenge!!

Have you head this gem by John Mayer? John Mayer "Gravity"


It's such a beautiful song...and it's the inspiration of this marriage challenge!! We're going to turn our negatives into positives. What are you weaknesses? Think of one thing and focus on working on it. After a week, we're going to turn our weaknesses into strengths!


Do you interrupt often? Work on being a better listener and listen patiently. Are you messy? Work on tidying up a little more when you're running through the house. (that's the one I'm going to do) Does your spouse tell you that you don't pay enough attention to them? Work on being actively attentive.

I would love to hear your experiences!

101 ways to tell your spouse you love them

I found a website with...ya, I just said it in the title haha. Well! This list is HUGE! The author challenges you to pick 5 a day. Let's try it out for one week!

101 Ways to Tell Your Husband I Love You

Date night!

I found the cutest idea for date nights from this website: http://www.lifeinthegreenhouse.com/2012/02/date-night-in-jar.html

What you do is write ideas for date nights on these large popsicle sticks. She colored hers with a color code.
red= expensive
dark pink= stay at home
light pink= less expensive



I bought my sticks a couple days ago and I'm putting together a list of things we like to do. So far I have things like see a movie, go to the nickel arcade, have a picnic, etc.

Love this idea!

Marriage challenge!

Do you know Alanis Morissette's song "Thank You"? Well here it is if you don't!


Alanis Morissette "Thank You"

This song is the inspiration to this marriage challenge! We're going to write an Alanis-style list of things we're grateful for. Write 15 things you are thankful about your spouse! If you think of more, write AS MANY as possible.

And now the fun part. Give the list to your spouse!

Just for fun :)

This is a fun song about marriage
Greg Brown: Marriage Chant

Here are the lyrics:
marriage is impossible marriage is dull
your dance card is empty your plate is too full
it's something no sensible person would do
i wish i was married i wish I was married
i wish i was married to you

marriage is unnatural marriage is hard
you rotate your tires you work in the yard
you fight about nothing every hour or two
i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

the children throw fits in airports & such
they projectile vomit on aunt ruthie at lunch
& your in-laws know just what you should do
but i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

i'd like to fix you my special broth when you're sick
i'd like to fight with you when you're bein' real thick
there is no end to what i would like to do
i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

i like the roll in rock & roll
& all i know is you're the sister of my soul
& we make a circle just we two
& i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

the sky unpredictable mysterious the sea
do we wish most for what never can be
it never can be i guess that's true
but i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was uh huh huh to you

the grass is always greener is what they say to me
if I was your husband maybe I'd agree
i like brown grass & vows that stay true
& i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you to you to you mmhmm to you

Date Night!

This is my first date night post! woohoo! So the idea for this date night is to build your knowledge of your spouse.

Activity options:

• take the 5 love languages test
• take the color code test (Andrew and I love talking about our personality colors)
• build a love map

Here is a link for the color code test: Color Code test

A love map is your construct and knowledge of your partner/spouse. You build a love map by asking lots of questions. This website has a lot of good suggestions: Love Map website

These suggestions include asking about family, friends, work, hobbies, dreams, favorites, and feelings. You can come up with any question you like. What have you wanted to know about this person you're living with! 

The most important thing is that you practice great listening skills. Try to not interrupt, finish sentences, compete with your own stories, undermine, quickly change subjects, etc. Let your partner loose and enjoy listening to them! Gather your information and learn learn learn. 

Andrew and I took the color code test. I am half red/half blue and Andrew is one hundred percent white. Knowing this has helped us understand each other. I get confused when he says he really doesn't care what we eat for dinner and sometimes he gets confused when I demand we make cookies for some friend of ours.  This knowledge is a fun way to learn more about each other!

Gottman's 7 Principles

John Gottman has given 7 principles to a healthy marriage. Before I go into more detail about one of these principles, I thought I would introduce them first. Here they are!

1. Enhance your love maps- know the little details about your spouse
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration- choose to think of your spouse positively and appreciate all the things they do for you
3. Turn towards each other instead of away- support each other in your struggles and go to your spouse for help
4. Let your partner influence you- you're forming a new life together and one person cannot dominate another. Incorporate parts of both of your lives to make new one.
5. Solve your solvable problems- be kind and forgiving while dealing with conflicts
6. Overcome gridlock- start talking and sharing your thoughts and needs
7. Create shared meaning- form your new life together!

Here is more information if you'd like to read more:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/01/08/7-research-based-principles-for-making-marriage-work/

http://www.wisewives.org/blog/2012/04/05/34-elshiwick-on-gottman-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work

Please leave a comment if you have a question or a personal testimony!

The 5 Love Languages

Most people are familiar with the love languages. I thought I would just dedicate a quick post to them for fun! There are tons of love language tests online and they don't seem all that reliable, valid, or accurate. If you already know you're love language then that's great!

Here they are:
1. Physical touch
2. Words of affirmation
3. Receiving gifts
4. Quality time
5. Acts of service

I'll provide this quiz for you. The 5 Love Languages Test. I picked it because I thought the website was pretty haha! If you'd like to explore more test options, just search "5 Love Languages test" and you'll have a ton to choose from!

Knowing you and your partner's love language will be really helpful to understand each other. Maybe your husband appreciates back rubs and you appreciate when he tells you he loves you.

My husband and I took the quiz. My first love language is physical touch and my second is words of affirmation. We lucked out! My husband, Andrew, has the same! We love to give each other foot rubs and constantly say "I love you" and "thank you" and "you're the best". :) Being a newlywed is the best haha!

What is your and your partner's love language? Challenge!!! Find out!

The Magic Relationship Ratio

Oh man....I love John Gottman. He's great! He's famous for: the magic relationship ration (5 positives to 1 negative), the four horsemen of the apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), love maps, and other amazing marital research and helpful knowledge.

In this blog, I'm going to explore more about Gottman's theories and research. Right now I'm going to highlight the magic relationship ratio. Here is a youtube video where you can hear the man himself explaining it: John Gottman's magic relationship ratio video.

What is fascinating about Gottman's research is that his negative behaviors (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) predict an early divorce WHERE AS the lack of positive interactions predict a later divorce.

What to take from this: focus on active positive interactions.

A couple that doesn't fight can still be weak if there are no positive exchanges.

Fights happen. Try to outweigh the positives from the negatives (wait till after you've calmed down if you need to).

Ways to increase positive interactions in your relationship: compliments, acts of service, saying "I love you", learning your partner's love language and using it, always say "thank you" and "I'm sorry". Every couple is different and every couple has a different way of expressing affection. Learn what yours is and work it out!

About Me

Hi!

My name is Jessica. I will be graduating with my bachelor's degree in family life in December 2012. This blog is apart of my internship at school. I am going to explore marriage building activities and what not. My goal is to promote John Gottman's magic ratio of FIVE positive interactions for every ONE negative interaction. In that light, we're going to explore married date ideas, marriage challenges, communication exercises, songs on youtube, etc. My aim is to have fun and bring more joy into our lives.

I married Andrew in June 2012. We are spankin' new newlyweds. For that reason, I don't feel like I can give marital advice. Instead of me trying to tell you what to think and do, I'm going to research marriage building activities and try them with you! I'll post ideas and occasionally add my review.

So let's get to work! Marriage is challenging but so rewarding. I'm excited!!