Gifting Confusion

My husband I were talking about gift giving the other day. We noticed how people mistakenly give things that the gift giver values but not the gift recipient. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, right? Well with the holidays rolling around, try not to give your husband a Venus-y gift or give your wife a Martian gift.


This problem goes beyond the holidays or birthdays or whatever. My husband told me about an article that said men tend to give their wives hard neck massages while wives tend to give their husbands light feathery back scratches. In marriage, we have to learn what our spouse wants. My husband likes hard neck massages. He gives me feather light back rubs. Maybe your relationship is opposite which is why it's important to openly communicate what you like.

Focus on positives. Instead of "I hate when you dig your knuckles into my spine", use "I like when you lightly rub my neck". This goes for the holidays too. When your husband asks what you would like for a present, avoid "I'll tell you what I don't want! I don't want another stinking candle!" (hahaa). Try a useful suggestion.

This ties into John Gottman's golden ratio of 5 positives to every negative. Gottman's research showed that marriages that had this golden ratio were less likely to divorce. Work on that! Work on making sure you give your spouse 5 negatives (or more, of course!) to every one negative. That may mean you'll need to list off 5 compliments if you have a critique.

Enmeshment

"Enmeshment describes a dysfunctional relationship between people in which emotional boundaries are so unclear that people have difficulty functioning or developing independently" (source)

You can be enmeshed in a variety of relationships. You can be enmeshed with family, friends, or your spouse.  It means that you have an unhealthy relationship where you are too close. A big problem is having overly open boundaries. You must keep yourself independent to a certain degree.

Family

You may be enmeshed with a family member if you feel like they play a bigger role in your daily life than what is healthy. This can mean your family member calls you all day long or shows up at your house all the time. They can badger you about things and make unforgiving demands. A good TV show example is Everybody Loves Raymond. Family enmeshment may hurt a marriage if you talk to your family member about private aspects of your marriage that you should keep between you and your spouse or won't even tell your spouse. 

Friends

I think this is the most common form of enmeshment that people don't even consider harmful. TV shows like Sex and the City and Perfect Couples display couples who discuss every detail of their personal relationships with their friends. It's not bad to talk to your friends about your troubles; almost everyone does it. But you have to draw a line or a healthy boundary. You must decide with your spouse what you want to keep sacred and private between you. It may really hurt their feelings if you talk about certain things.

A problem with being too open is that your friends and family will only take your side. They will view your spouse negatively. Do you want that? Do you want your spouse to be undefended and ripped on behind their back? The best situation is to talk to your spouse directly and not involve a third party. However if talking with your spouse isn't realistic, I've repeatedly heard the suggestion to discuss issues with your spouse's family or friends. They will be less biased and most likely more helpful with the problem. 

Spouse

You can be enmeshed with your spouse. It's hard when you are sharing your life with this person and spending so much time with them. Your marriage is hopefully a close relationship but you must find balance. An enmeshed relationship may include:

1. Not being able to tell the difference between one’s own emotions and the emotions of the other spouse

2. Feeling that one is required to rescue the other spouse from his or her own emotions

3. Feeling a need to be rescued from one’s own emotions by his or her spouse

4. Not having any personal emotional time and space from one’s spouse

5. Not having any substantial relationships with anyone other than one’s own spouse.

Make sure you are respecting yourself and your relationship. Know your healthy boundaries and where you draw the line. Understand and respect yourself in relation to those who are close to you. If you feel that you are in an enmeshed relationship, seek more information about it. The internet and literature are good resources to learn more.

Guys need nurturing too...

This article about advice from divorced people had a random and surprising insight.

It says "Men, it seems, also need what social scientists call affective affirmation, or in layman’s terms, a compliment, some encouragement, maybe even just a cuddle showing support.

“Husbands who reported that their wives noticed them and made them feel special were very happy,” says Orbuch. In fact they were so happy, that couple was about two times less likely to get divorced.

Surprisingly, men need this non-sexual show of support more than women. “We (women) get it from a lot of people in our lives like best friends, kids, even a stranger walking down the street who says ‘I like your haircut,’” says Orbuch. “Men generally don’t get that from other people except their wives.”

What us wives need to get from this: our husbands need a little love too. 

If you haven't tried the previous marriage challenges or exercises, I highly recommend them.

Try: 7 ways to knock the socks of your spouse and/or 101 ways to tell your spouse you love them (under the October posts)

10 Divorce Myths

The internet is an amazing thing.

There are soooo many tools and insights into marriage support and relationship information. Whether they're all true, ehh. It's up to us to decide.

I found this article called Debunking 10 Divorce Myths.

1. Second marriages are more successful than first marriages because they have learned from problems. FALSE

 2. Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. FALSE- couples who cohabited before marriage have higher divorce rates.

 3. Divorce may cause problems for children who are affected by it, but these problems are not long lasting and the children recover quickly. FALSE- there are many long lasting problems children experience after divorce.

 4.  Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. FALSE- having a child increases stress in a relationship

 5. Following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by 73 percent while that of the man's improves by 42 percent. FALSE- women are slightly worse off and men are slightly better off but not as dramatically as these figures.

 6. When parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. FALSE- [Children] in lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce (2/3 of divorces) were in much worse situations than before the divorce.

7.   Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes. FALSE- “according to a recent study, is that children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents” They are more likely to divorce.

8.  Following divorce, the children involved are better off in step-families than in single-parent families. FALSE- there are benefits to step-families but there are also stresses.

9. Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. FALSE- In a study, 3/5 of formerly unhappily married couples rated their marriages as either "very happy" or "quite happy" several years later after making the decision to stay married.

10.  It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. FALSE- 2/3 are initiated by women

   What do you think about this?  I think the most surprising is number 2. Cohabitation is very prominent in our culture. Many young people believe in this myth that cohabitation prevents divorce. There are many, many research studies on this topic. If you are interested in this topic, just let me know and I can write up about it!

Divorced people give good advice

I found an interesting article on Today Health. It's titled "Your divorced friends may give the best marriage advice".

They said that people who have experienced a divorce know how things go wrong and have insight into how they would do things differently. We are very interested in this part of our culture as evidenced by the "16 ways I blew my marriage" article that has exploded on the internet.

Today Health sites an research study that shows 46% of their sample ended their first marriage with divorce.

The biggest issue of these failed marriages was finances.

Those who had ambivalent feelings about their ex were the healthiest and most likely to be in a new relationship. Having negative feelings is hurtful but the interesting part is that it is also important to let go of positive feelings. You can feel at peace with a past relationship but it is important that you don't still have romantic feelings for an ex if you are to participate in a new serious relationship.

Though people who have divorced may have good insights, their second marriage has a higher chance of ending in divorce than general first marriages.  The divorce rate for a second marriage is 60%. The divorce rate for a third marriage is 73%! source 

What conclusion do we draw from this? I don't know. The result is many, many conclusions are thrown out there for people to catch or not. Divorce is a big part of our culture and we are fascinated with trying to understand it. I think we can agree that we want good relationships to succeed. The goal is people to understand the behaviors to create and edify a good relationship.

Marriage advice from kids

When you get married, you realize that everyone has marriage advice....even kids.

Massage night

There is a whole scale for this one. On one end of the spectrum- make a whole date night out of doing full body massages. On the other end- take 5-10 minutes before you go to bed to rub your spouse's feet or shoulders.

To get you in the mood...
Wayne Brady's foot massage song

A little tip...

And use lotion. It's nice :)

Physical affection and touch increases levels of a pleasurable chemical in our brains called oxytocin. Oxytocin  is a big part of relationship formation including trust building and bond strengthening. It reduces anxiety and it just feels good!! A little rub down will help strengthen your marriage.