I found a helpful website about building marriages by a Dr. Harley (
marriagebuilders.com).
I looked around and found that he had a specific area about the first year of marriage. He addresses problems people experience in their first year, BUT if the couple continues past the first year, these problems can plague a marriage at any point in the future.
This is not just for newlyweds but for any stage of marriage that experiences conflict.
The first principle I will talk about from his website (cause there's a lot of good stuff) is the Three States of Marriage. Here they are:
1. Intimacy
2. Conflict
3. Withdrawal
Before I describe them I should summarize his theory of the "giver" and "taker". The giver inside of us wants to love and sacrifice everything for our spouse. The taker is only self-interested and wants to maximize our gains.
1. Intimacy. In this state the giver is dominate. You are willing to sacrifice things so that your spouse receives gain. Both spouses want to avoid hurting each other and it creates a trusting environment. Have you received this? Do you recall a time when your husband/wife was in a cute and nice mood and you feel like you could weasel something out of them? (That doesn't sound great, but hey! we're all guilty haha)
IF one spouse asks another for something that goes beyond the capacity of the giver, the taker may kick in. IF reparations are made early on, a couple may stay in a state of intimacy.
IF apologizes or reparations are not made, a couple may enter a state of conflict.
2. Conflict. The taker is dominate and unyielding. You want to make yourself happy and you don't care much about your spouse. I found some interesting quotes about this.
First "In the state of Conflict, couples are still
emotionally bonded and that makes the pain of thoughtlessness even worse". I think we need to be careful with our spouses. We love each other more than anyone else and therefor have the power to hurt them more than anyone else. I've heard the expression to "hold your spouse's heart like an egg in our hands". Be careful with it because they've given you a great gift.
Second "But it's very difficult to be thoughtful in the
state of Conflict, because your Taker urges you to return pain whenever you
receive it". I've experienced this the most during.... rivalry football games. I'm so ashamed!! But alas! When their team tackles our quarterback, they stand up and cheer and it pisses me off!! I want to get them back, to make them feel the same amount of pain. So when we tackle theirs, I stand up and exaggeratedly cheer. Ya, it stinks to lose some yards, but is the cheering warranted? It's not like you've made a touchdown, people. In marriage we experience the same thing. Our spouse hurts us. We have the chance to repair the situation but we won't. We want them to hurt to. And we do hurt them. And it hurts the marriage.
3. Withdrawal. If you make it through the conflict state without repairing, you're going to get tired of fighting and fall into withdrawal. That is a dangerous place. You give up fighting because your marriage is not worth fighting for and you experience an "emotional divorce".
Returning to intimacy- You can stop anywhere on this path by resisting the taker and making sacrifices for your spouse. It sounds so easy but we all know it is not.
Dr. Harely proposes a resolution to prevent conflict and withdrawal in the first place: Never do
anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.
My first response was...eehhhh. My husband and I are so tepid with our plans for things that we don't usually feel "enthusiastic" about anything. I guess our lines are where the other person flat out disagrees to things. I flat out refuse to play sports and he won't be happy to get a pedicure. So we don't push them. Last weekend, we focused on doing mutual activities and mutual decisions. Now you try it!
